I'm A Villainess, Can I Die? - Chapter 105
Translator and Editor: Effe and Tea
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Chapter 105
Lucas took out a soft cloth from the bedside drawer. Then, he quietly wiped his sword.
From the scabbard with the design of the duchy to the sharpened blade.
Lucas had been quietly doing his thing and suddenly burst into laughter.
‘Yes, well. I like you, too.’
That face kept coming to his mind, so Lucas eventually had to stop his hand. After laughing alone for a while, Lucas took a breath and picked up the cloth again.
He regretted confessing. When faced with rejection, he was unexpectedly a little more…… hurt.
Maybe it was too early to confess? It has only been about two or three months since he became aware of this feeling.
Of course, the feeling of ‘like’ would have started even before he became aware of his feelings……. two, three months. It has never been a long time in human relationships.
‘Shouldn’t I have taken a little more time.’
Recalling that, Lucas shook his head slowly.
No, no. He couldn’t take any more time than this. Two weeks, or 12 days to be exact. Time would pass quickly, and he had to stand behind the Duke and lead the knights.
Didn’t he think that lingering feelings and regrets would hinder him on the battlefield?
With this, he was able to head to war without regrets.
In a place where life and death constantly intersect, he could fight without regretting his life choices.
He could close his eyes without leaving any regrets in the world even if his life was destroyed after fighting without regret.
This should be enough. If that is the case, this confession accomplished everything it deserved.
He should not be unnecessarily emotional before an important event, as he was normally quick at calculating things.
War is a place where there is only one thing to protect.
The only thing he had to protect was the duke. He will not put his life as something he had to protect. He would gladly give his life if he could destroy his enemies by sacrificing himself.
He tilted his head and looked at the ceiling. Ever since Selena lost her memory, and he became her escort, he often tilted his head to look up.
Because that was her habit.
What in the world is in the sky, looking with that nonchalant face, so it now was his habit to tilt his head.
There were no patterns on the ceiling he was looking at now. It was just an ivory-colored monotonous ceiling. But today, it seemed very empty.
Yes, it was empty.
Time passed helplessly. Insanely fast.
For several days, knights and mercenaries, weapons and food, supports and necessary items continued to arrive here and there, one after another. I had a couple more dinners with my family during those tumultuous days.
In the chaotic atmosphere of the mansion, the high priest left, saying that he had to go out to the estate and help people. Before I realized, the subjugation was only about a week away.
Every day was steadily moving toward the subjugation.
“Gasp.”
I had a nightmare today, too.
I woke up early in the morning just before the sun was about to rise.
I wiped the sweat from my forehead and looked down at my trembling hands.
It wasn’t a dream about Selena or a butterfly. Ah, are the two dreams the same anyway……. Anyway, it wasn’t that kind of dream. It was just a normal nightmare.
No, it was too much of a nightmare.
A nightmare where a terrifying black object opened its mouth, munching on people and looking at me with its bright red eyes.
Selfishly, the more people around me who were eaten by monsters, the sooner I would wake up.
“It’s a dream…… a dream. Dream.”
My murmur went from my mouth and into my ears. In an empty room, only my voice comforted me.
Human emotions are fluid.
Even if you want to keep the shape like this, if there is a slight gap, it will leak into another channel.
Guilt and regret. Challenges and resignation, affirmations and denials.
Even if you block the flow with the palm of your hand, you cannot stop it from leaking through the cracks between your fingers.
And when it starts leaking like that, the gap gradually widens, and what escapes grows out of control, forming the sea, a river, or lake.
And, as the date of the subjugation approached, my feelings leaned toward guilt again.
Guilt and anxiety settled in my head like a big puddle and came to me every day as a nightmare.
When the darkness opens its mouth and its tongue flutters, I fall endlessly there and wake up soon.
It was all dark in the middle of the night, the twilight dawn before the sun rose, like today.
I cupped my trembling hands and took a deep breath.
I couldn’t control my breathing.
My head was numb, and my fingertips and toes were stiff.
My entire body, which could not circulate blood, was unfamiliar to me.
It’s like this again.
I forcibly twisted my unstretched hand and squeezed my other hand. Even then, the sound of my breathing was as rough as that of a young beast.
Feeling cramped, I got up. I dragged my twisted feet and hid under the desk. I don’t know why. It was just, just….… a recent habit.
No, to be precise, the habit of my past until middle school relapsed again.
I hated the room. I hated that space. I shut myself in a small box that was blocked off all sides and didn’t want to see anything.
I wished I had no eyes to see, no ears to hear. Without any sense, just quietly, quietly…….crumpling up somewhere.
I wanted to hide from the world.
Ah, if it was a life like before, erasing everything, emptying out even the mind, leaving no room for anything, and not being greedy for life……. Would it have been better now?
Seeing that I couldn’t control a single emotion like this, I thought that maybe…… I wasn’t the right person for happiness in the first place.
If I give myself a chance to be happy, misfortune will strike and gnaw at me.
I crouched down alone under the dark desk and crawled out of there as soon as I confirmed that the surroundings were getting brighter.
Thus began the day before the subjugation.
After lunch, I took a walk in the garden. It was a show-off walk.
It was to appear that I was fine, because if I was stuck in my room too much the others would worry about me.
In fact, there was only a week left until the subjugation,……. so, I didn’t want to leave any worries behind. Because that was all I could do.
At least that’s all I can do, that’s all.
It wasn’t just for my family.
It was also my struggle to alleviate my guilt even a little. A struggle to get away from this anxiety and guilt.
As of yesterday, the arrangements for everything were completed, so the mansion became quiet again.
No, maybe it couldn’t be called quiet. The garden was reverberating with the tremendous shouts coming from the training ground located far away, but in any case, there were no people or objects passing by.
I closed my eyes and quietly listened to the cheering sound.
Feeling the chilly autumn air on my face, feeling the sun rising above in the high sky, I just stood there blankly and closed my eyes.
My head was blank.
Oh, I want to be stuck in a box. I want to hide in silence, forget all my senses, hold my breath and hide away.
“Miss.”
I opened my eyes slowly.
Because my head was staring at the sky, flashing afterimages floated in my vision.
I waited for my sight to fully recover from the frantic lights, then slowly turned my head.
“Aiden.”
‘It’s okay. It will be okay.’
Just looking at Aiden, those words played automatically. Just like there was an autoplay button in my head that someone kept pressing.
“It’s not good for your eyes if you keep looking at the sky like that.”
“I closed my eyes.”
“Nevertheless.”
Aiden reached out and made a screen over my head. I felt the sunlight blocking my eyes from opening.
Without a word, Aiden glanced in the direction I was walking, then looked ahead again and walked slowly.
I walked slowly, remembering the shadow that must have been cast over my face.
Aiden walked beside me without saying a word.
“Were you taking a walk, too?”
“Yes, I’m a little…… nervous.”
“Nervous? Why?”
There was still a hand shade above my head. At first glance, the fingers seemed funny, so I blinked then turned my gaze to the ground.
I saw the man’s feet walking slowly in line with my steps.
Oh, even his steps were funny. Oddly enough, it wasn’t bad.
Aiden didn’t say anything. In the silence that became longer than expected, I turned my focus from following his toes and looked at Aiden’s face. His face was completely blocked from the shade he made from his hand, but the slightly awkward mouth was clearly visible.
What is going on?
I stopped and took a step back. I could feel Aiden staring at me, taken aback by that sudden act.
“What? Shouldn’t I know?”
The question that came out of my mouth was quite straightforward even for my standards.
However, I couldn’t help it.
I didn’t want to turn the question around or pretend I didn’t know.
I was fed up with the facts that I didn’t know, news that wouldn’t be good if I knew, accumulating.
Hiding it for me and only talking to me about it later…… It was no different from handing a time bomb to me only after the ticking period had reached its limit.
In the end, I have to face the explosion without having time to prepare.
…… I’m sick of not knowing.
Aiden looked at me with shaky eyes and drew closer to me as much as I had backed away.
With small, cautious steps, and still shielding my head.
It’s so bright that I get sick of it, he covered the bright sun.
He came.
“Today, my teacher decided to come with the wizards from the Magic Tower. It has been a while…… I was a little nervous.”
He said in a friendly voice, like he was soothing a child.
At that moment, I was discouraged and lowered my head.
Oh, what am I……. doing now. It’s me who’s really funny. Me.
I don’t know what to do with my anxiety, and I end up making it obvious to others.
I swallowed. My dry throat was hot. I nodded a bit and walked slowly again.
Aiden still followed me.
“Yes, it seems that the wizards of the Magic Tower are coming today.”
After acting so impatiently a while ago, I felt a little relieved.
I felt I faced my anxiety properly. Feeling exposed to others.
Even though I hated that my anxiety was discovered by others, I felt relieved on the other hand.
Wishing they didn’t know, wishing they knew.
Well, that’s it
Aiden was not a person to convey my anxiety to anywhere. Even to my family.
Because he knows I don’t want it.
Because he won’t do anything I don’t want.
“Yes. I’m going to meet them later.”
I gently bent my neck away from his palm that was resting on top of my head and looked at his face.
A light smile appeared on his face as he walked forward.
Ah, a face that shone like sunlight was hidden behind his hands.
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